Money for Gen X

My poor little generation is so ignored...

Anyways doing some online research (yay, Google!) and found some good links to keep around.

Financial Planning for Generation X and Generation Y

Why Gen X is in trouble and what they can do about it

My Gen X financial advice to my kids

My outlook on it at the moment?  I have my Roth IRA started, I have the beginnings of my emergency fund in a .85% interest earning online savings account (it should be up to the goal amount in a few months), and yeah where do I go from here?  My kids are almost too old to really benefit from a 529 college savings account at this point but I still might consider opening those.  Or go with my current plan of we'll just muddle through their college expenses the best we can with scholarships, grants, loans, and savings.

Interest rates on savings accounts, treasury notes, bonds, and CD's suck at the moment.  I need to read more and determine my long term financial goals before I start jumping into the stock market. And I hate nickel and dime fees for someone else investing my money.  (Apparently I'm not alone, see above articles, it's a Gen X thing)   I'd like to buy a second vehicle (in cash, I'm saving now) soon so I don't want to tie up that money in something long term but it seems stupid to have over $5000 sitting around earning nothing while I determine what I want to buy.  But I figure I have a few months to learn about short term investment options while I'm earning the money I plan to save and invest.

You know, I might actually get the hang on this money thing after all...

:)

The World Needs More Love Letters

That is all...

Being an Adult dorkiness

So with my new job, I now have these fancy awesome benefits like health insurance, a retirement plan, and get this, money!  I'm like "wow! It's so much fun being a grown-up finally!"

No, seriously, I am super excited about being able to afford renter's insurance and life insurance again (both purchased already).  I've really enjoyed researching the best online savings accounts for my emergency fund and best no fee Roth IRA's.  This is so cool!

And also, I feel better about being able to buy Christmas gifts for the kids this year.  I know they say money can't buy happiness but it can buy peace of mind. And with all the craziness of this year, my new job has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  Maybe being an adult isn't so bad after all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful to be alive and loved.  And for my fluffy cat.  :)

Reasons to not be dating right now

1. Lack of trust.  I don't trust anybody new right now.  I used to operate under a pretty broad level 1 clearance with new people.  I've always said I'm generally an open book.  I'd talk frankly about my divorce, my sex life, my wacky stories about camping in flooded creek beds & being pulled over by the Secret Service, my opinions on health care, politicians, organized religion, etc.  Right now?  I doubt I'd even tell a new person my cat's name.

2. Safety.  I think this is subtitled to 'Lack of trust.'  I just don't feel as safe as I used to around new people.  It's one of those "I've been burned horribly, I'm not going near anything that seems warm" type things.  I feel like I'm going to get hurt by anyone I don't already know and trust.

3. Still on the emotional roller coaster from break-up with S.  I think I thought I was close to getting off a month ago but when my dad died, I really realized I'm not even half way back to the exit.  Like I mentioned before, I know I have issues with "just fun, don't love me and I won't love you" (aka commitment-phobia).  I need to work on that.  Cause it's not really fair to another person for me to go out with them and then immediately put the brakes on if anything seems like it could turn into *gasp, the horrors!* a relationship.

These are all completely different issues from those I dealt with after the divorce.  The divorce involved more "stuff" (money, child custody, etc) plus some emotional turmoil.  Most of that came from my identity at the time being a married stay at home mom and now what?  I did feel betrayed, I gave up this for the promise of that and now I'm down two strikes.  It was a lot to work through but  I did.  After the divorce, I felt whole enough to be open to dating and possibly relationships.

Right now?  I feel very very broken.  S had all the security level clearances in my life, past what my ex-husband ever had.  And now I don't feel safe, I don't trust anyone, and I hate dealing with the emotional quagmire I'm in.

I miss a lot of the good stuff that goes into being in a relationship.  The 'good morning, my love' texts.  Hugs.  A shoulder rub after a long day.  Being in the presence of someone I love and who accepts me for me.  Looking someone in the eye and trusting that they have my back through thick and thin and them knowing that I'd do move the earth, moon, and stars if it would make them happy.

I want to get back to being mostly whole so that I could possibly go out and look for that again.  I've always been an impatient person and so the fact that this type of healing takes time adds to the "crap, I need to deal with emotions, ugh!" issue.  I just feel so very fundamentally broken, since trust and safety are the most basic human needs, that sometimes I worry it's not even possible.

I don't know.  I'm working on it.

Rough Week

I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was a rough week here.

We're all adjusting to me being out of the house for over 50 hours a week (including commute time).  I think I've been doing a pretty damn good job of making sure there's food for snack and dinner and making sure everyone gets rides to and from activities and we've been relatively successful.  We did momentarily misplace the littlest one when she was suppose to be at the dentist on Tuesday (she went to her after school music program, G and I both forgot about that.)

I've been aware of time constraints before but this week, they just sucked.  For example, the boys both need new shoes.  Monday they had scouts, Tuesday I don't even remember what happened but shoe shopping didn't, Wednesday I work late (shops closed), Thursday I was off work in time to pick up the littlest one from school, eat dinner, go to her scout meeting, and then again shops closed, and Friday the boys were off to scout camp before I was home from work.  It's like, fuck how does anything get done?  I suppose I probably had 9pm to 10pm to take them to Target or something but sheesh, at that point of the night I'm honestly in bed.  Oh I remember why I didn't take them shoe shopping on Monday or Tuesday, I had $4.75 in my bank account.  Payday was Friday.  So maybe the shoe shopping was delayed due to money constraints more than anything.

I slept 13 hours Friday night into Saturday morning.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to make time to see a therapist after my new health insurance kicks in.  My most lovely friends have pointed out that I really have not dealt with my break-up with S (there was an incident earlier this week, I had a mini panic attack when one of our mutual friends mentioned seeing him in person)  and I'm probably in the denial stage about my dad's death too.  Sounds about right for me.  Another friend pointed out that I've dealt with a lot more emotionally stressful stuff in the last year than most people deal with in a lifetime.  Huh.  Yeah maybe.  I don't really think about it like that, I just write a To Do List and get back to checking things off.  Since there isn't an easy To List for dealing with emotions, I just ignore them and concentrate on other stuff.  Damnit, To Do Lists, don't fail me now!

Anyway, it's been a rough week.

I took yesterday "off" from doing anything other than talking to friends, eating, watching TV, and goofing around on the internet.  Today I have a To Do List but I'm going to take it slow and not try to attempt to knock 10 things off it before lunch.  The kids don't go back to G's until tomorrow evening (November schedule is a bit goofy) and now that I've realized I'm not 100% emotionally healthy right at the moment, I'm going to take it easy on myself.  No one needs me ending up in a padded room.

I love my kids, I love my family, I love my cat, I love my friends, I love my new job, I love my cute little townhouse in a fun area of town.  Overall life is good, I just need to fine tune a few (major? minor?) emotional things.  I can do this.

Spin cycle

I'm trying to find my center again.  This last week has been...  I don't even have the words for it.

The viewing and the funeral were tough.  I did a lot of crying.  I gave the eulogy at Mass because it felt like something I needed to do.  I miss my dad.

I'm very thankful I have my new job.  I worked Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and it felt good to be finally doing what I've spent the last 4 years working towards.

I drove down to my hometown Friday after work and spent the night with my mom.  She's doing amazing.  It'll be a process for her but seeing her in person doing pretty well with everything helped me feel that she can do it.  I'm not a worrier but I was worried A LOT about her this last week.

Yesterday was a bit of an anomaly as I went to Churchill Downs with some of my extended family and ate lunch in Millionaire's Row and bet on some horses.  My aunt buys tickets to this event every year and she asked me many months ago if I could attend.  (KY Colonels)  It was fun and amazing and a nice break away from everything.  I even won $3.50 on my first horse race bet ever.

Today...  Today I feel like I just got spit out of the spin cycle.  I've been up since 7am and kinda overwhelmed by getting everything back in order again.  The plants need watering, the half & half for my coffee went bad, the laundry has piled up, I have a stack of new job paperwork that needs sorted, and I've gained like 4lbs since I last stepped on the scale (and since I was already 5lbs heavier the last time I checked, I'm so not happy about this, my clothes are starting not to fit at all).  Oh and I think that NaNoWriMo is a bust again this year.  I'm trying to take everything slow and easy to not overwhelm myself but I also know I need to get my butt in gear and tackle everything sooner than later as I have a full week of work ahead of me and the kids are back at my house tomorrow night.

Deep breaths.  Take it slow.  It took time to get to this place, it'll take time to get back to my normal.  I can do this.

My Dad died Friday

I wish I had never had to type those words.  I doubt I would have ever been 'ready'  to let him go.  He was only 59 years old, it was way too soon.  Coroner's report (I took the phone call so my mom wouldn't have to) was enlarged heart (undiagnosed), it just stopped.  No signs of heart disease or a heart attack. I guess they are right when they say our hearts only have so many beats in them.  He had reached the end of his.

The viewing is tonight, the funeral tomorrow.  I have clothes for the kids and me, hotel reserved, food for the family to eat at the viewing, HR & manager at new job informed, all those other random loose ends tied up that mean I can ignore my normal world for 2 days.

(In case you didn't know, I get very tasky 'must check off To Do list' when I'm stressed.)

I hate crying, I hate missing him, I hate thinking about all the stuff we were going to do together and can't now.

Most of all I don't like knowing that I'll never get another blog comment that ends with "Love, Dad".

I HAVE A RN JOB!

*big sigh of relief*

The important bits: full time, days, no holidays, no weekends, at a local health department clinic, navy blue scrubs in any style/brand of my choosing (cause that's important, hehe)

*happy dance*

And benefits and a paycheck with a whopping $.30 more an hour than the local hospital starting RN pay.  (I plan to spend that extra $12 a week on something frivolous like food.  Or toilet paper.)

I interviewed for the job at the very beginning of October and I guess I forgot to mention it here at the time.  Lord only knows when I actually applied for the job because I've lost track of all the jobs I've applied to in my weekly 3-6 hours of 'oh my god, what the hell, must have experience, argh, nursing shortage, my ass!' online application sessions.  I was then offered the position a week later but since I had to put my two weeks in at the Sewing Gig and just, I don't know, didn't want to jinx it, I again didn't mention it here.  But I start tomorrow and on Friday, I did the pre-employment screening run around of a drug pee test, a TB skin test, and filled out tax paperwork so I feel it's pretty safe to mention it now.

I HAVE A RN JOB!

Loose Ends

sub titled: I don't wanna....

I'm having one of those 'why can't I knit, drink coffee, and watch Netflix all day' days?

Instead I need to go to the store because we're out of laundry detergent and more importantly, clean towels.  I need to go to the post office to mail some stuff but one of the things that I need to mail requires more printed papers which means I need to make a phone call to resent a password and stop by bank to pick up a replacement key fob thing (my business banking has this stupid key fob with a number code used to login online and mine's been missing since the move.  Yes, February.)  I need to send out a long ass Girl Scout email about fall product sale, upcoming PJ Party, visit to local nature center, and reminders to all the girls to be prepared to present their part in badges.  Plus I'm scheduled at the sewing gig today.

Store, laundry, post office, phone call, bank, email, sewing gig.

Pretty typical stuff.  I just don't wanna do any of it today.

The New Crazy Normal

Or is it the New Normal Crazy?

Whenever I get a free moment, I like to ponder how my Normal is never really what I expected to be my Normal.  We all grow up with an assumption of how our lives will go.  The majority of society has a Normal something like this: grow up with two working married parents, go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, send the kids off to live their own lives, retire.  There's some slight variations in there, maybe a stay at home parent, move a few times, change jobs but for the most part, that's Normal.*

Since leaving my parent's home at 17, I reached a bit of Normal (married, kids, home) for some years in my twenties but the rest of it has been upside down and backwards.  And seems to be staying that way.

Nowadays I tend to think of my life as Crazy, not Normal and act accordingly.  On top of being divorced, a new college graduate, oddly employed in random part time jobs, and renting a townhouse, I also have a bi-polar home life of being a single parent of 5 kids one week to being (mostly) foot loose and fancy free the next.

It's a bit crazy at times.

I'm attempting to find one full time RN job but I've sort of accepted that I may be working a string of random part time jobs for awhile.  I don't have a goal to marry ever again but I figure I will jump back into the dating pool eventually.  I probably won't buy another home, renting is nice for a lot of reasons.  There's likely more college in my future in the form of a masters or doctorate degree if I take the nurse practitioner route.  And definitely no more children!

It sometimes seems to me that I veered off the Normal well trodden path of life.  It's like everyone else is on the wide straight interstate of Normal and somehow I'm hiking along a curvy cow path up on the hillside.  I can see everyone else traveling along at the speed limit, passing life's milestones, moving on in an orderly fashion.  Meanwhile I'm going up and down hills, around curves, stepping over fallen trees, and splashing across streams.

It's a bit crazy at times.

I'm definitely not saying the interstate or the cow path is the better way to get through life.  It's just different, like apples and oranges.  But I really did expect to stay on the interstate throughout my life so I often wake up surprised to be on this wacky cow path.  Am I going to make it back to the interstate ever?  Do I even want to?  I don't know.

Crazy is now my Normal and it's okay.  That's enough to have figured out for now.



* One could argue that divorce is often a Normal nowadays but it's such a huge disruption in everything.  And it's not like it's on anyone's goal list like 'buying a house' so I think it falls under Crazy.

Feeling Good Part #3

So considering all the craziness of the last few months, I find myself in pretty good spirits lately.  I've been taking some steps to fix the things I can and accept those I can't.  (Go Serenity Pray!  And Dr. Phil)

Fixing:

Full-Time Nursing Job: Applying, talking to my contacts, picking up as many hours as possible at both the volunteer clinic and as a school nurse substitute.  The sewing gig is enough (barely) but I still don't have benefits (health insurance, life insurance, 401K).  I might be able to get some minimal coverage elsewhere.  It's on the To Do List.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Not going to go into all the details but I've contacted people to work on my debt.  The relief from the strain of those monthly bills is amazing.

Accepting:

Teenagers: Currently have 3 and 2 pre-teens.  It's going to be a long and bumpy ride...  Just gotta buckle up, white knuckle it and get through to the other side.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Needs versus Wants.  I have a list.  And a plan.  And sticking to it.

Dating:  Not doing it right now.  I'm good with being single at the moment  (I reserve the right to change this mindset in the future)  It's taken some time but I'm finally cool with just being with me.  Plus I have so many amazing friends and family here that any time I really want to do something, I have a great bunch of people to contact.

Townhouse:  It's good enough, it's smart enough, and doggone it, we like it.  I do have to fight an internal feeling of "it's not a house, it's only 1450 square feet, it's not a house!"  It is a little cramped with 6 people sometimes but the other half of the month, when it's just me and the cat, it's perfect.  The location is amazing and I have a gym and a garden.  I love it until the kids want friends over or I have to find an alternative location for my Girl Scout Troop meetings.  I miss having a guest room and I miss entertaining.  The accepting is especially tricky when our current town is known for it's 4000+ square foot McMansions and we're living in 1450 square foot townhouse.  We're kinda the odd family out at the moment.  Like I said, I'm working on the acceptance part.

Quote of the Day:  "Don't look for your dreams to come true; look to become true to your dreams." -Michael Beckwith

Interview #6 (and counting)

Alternate title: "Argh, give me a full time job with benefits please!"

(Follow-up from June's Nursing update)

Interview #1: Patient Care Coordinator (May) "filled position already, check back in 6 months"

Interview #2: 'Peace, Love, and Medicine' office RN (July) heard nothing, I think they went with somebody with experience

Interview #3: Long Term Care RN  (July) heard nothing, but I don't think I sucked up enough during the 2 hour job shadow because I was kinda counting the minutes until I could escape

Interview #4: Substitute School Nurse, my kids' school system (August)  GOT IT.  Except I've only worked 1 day...

Interview #5: Full Time School Nurse, different school system (September) heard nothing (it's been 10 days now so it's probably a 'no')

Interview #6: Nights, Full Time, Med/Surg RN at hospital 40 miles away with mandatory overtime (means 4 twelves one week, 3 twelves the next week), weekends & holidays (Yesterday)  at the end of the interview "filled position already, check back in a month"

And counting...

On being a Special Snowflake and relationships

So I'm really trying to avoid being a Special Snowflake with my self contemplation on the blog because those type of people are extremely annoying.  I'd like to think I can find the balance between "I'm so awesome, look what I did, let's talk about me, me, me!" and the other cynical side of "life is meaningless, who gives a f*ck about anything ever, the world sucks."  I know my small insignificant problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world but there's probably a little room for me to do some belly button gazing occasionally.

I remember years ago some random troll posted a comment on my Ramblings of a SAHM mom site about something kinda special snowflake I had written.  Honestly it didn't bother me, obviously because I don't even remember what the comment was now.  The troll was just being a troll and trying to stir up controversy.  That's what they do.  But my best friend got all up in arms on my behalf and it was kind of amusing to watch them duke it out in the comments.  And then I went back to playing Mom Taxi or scrapbooking or something and forgot all about it.

The reason the troll's comment didn't bother me because it wasn't something that was even remotely true about me in my opinion.  Like you could call me a 'slug licking scrawny green mermaid' and I'd be like "uh, okay" and easily move on.  Because I'm not any of those things so the whole thing is silly and I could care less.

On the flip side, I've learned that if someone says something about me that I immediately strongly disagree with, I need to examine this a bit more closely.  Cause there's usually a glimmer of truth in it and it's probably something I don't like about myself.

During the last few months, I was forced to take a hard look at myself and how I approach relationships.  A lot of stuff was said and while some ideas I threw out pretty quick because it was blatantly obvious projection  (after 4 years of psych classes, you aren't going to pull any Freudian moves over on me), a few items have stuck with me.

One of the things that has been the hardest to comes to terms with about myself is that I'm really scared of romantic love and commitment.  But you were with S for 2.5 years, you say!  Yeah but he's just as scared of romantic love and commitment as I am.  If you put two of those type of people together, it kinda sorta works for awhile.  If I'm avoiding falling in love and also avoiding someone else falling in love with me and he's doing the same, we have an unconscious 'not falling in love and avoid being loved by others' requirement in common.   And that's a pretty strong trait that can bring two people together as oxymoron-ish as that sounds.

Of course we did fall in love anyways and into some sort of commitment that mostly worked for us most of the time.  It was like that poem about the little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead:  When she was good, she was very very good.  When she was bad, she was horrid. When we were good, it was the most amazing time I've ever had in my life.  When we were bad, it was horrid.  And then some.

I'm not going to go into our fights here but on my end going forward, I'm going to try to learn some better "this isn't going well, let's figure this out" skills.  My usual MO is either ignore the problem (I do kinda like denial, it's one of my bigger character flaws) or attempt to hit a 'relationship reset button'  (which also has an element of 'ignore' built in).  Secondly I'm going to try to not be so extreme with "okay don't love me and I won't love you and let's just have fun!" in new relationships.  But I'd like to delve into the second point deeper in another blog post mostly because today's dating world is so full of amusing advice to discuss and dissect.

Naval gazing done for another day.  :)

"Do Nothing" Day

All I have scheduled today is a Girl Scout Leader meeting this evening.  No work, the house is pretty clean, I don't have any errands to run, kids are at G's...

I have a few writing ideas bouncing around in my head, something along the lines of 'things I've learned' or 'stuff I still need to work on' or 'where the hell do I go from here'.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who analyzes and over thinks life.  I see so many people just going about their day as if they don't have a constant inner monologue questioning and wondering and pondering everything. But on the flip side, I've made some spectacular life changing decisions without even really thinking about them at all. Then as I deal with the fall out from those 'no thought actions' (moments, months, years later), I look back and ask "what the fuck was I thinking?"  And the answer, I'm sad to say more often than not, is I wasn't thinking.  One of my biggest lessons I've learned over the years is 'not making decision is still making a decision.'  I try to avoid making that particular mistake nowadays.  But no worries, there are a lot more mistakes that I continue to make over and over again (see 'my shoe string budget').

So of all the ideas and possibilities bouncing around in my head (which I'm sure I'll share with you eventually), I want to start writing again.  I've been reading a lot of varied books lately, mostly because I'm broke and just borrow and download whatever is available from the local library onto my Kindle.  It's kinda like blindly grabbing a couple of books off the shelf except I can do it at 2am without leaving my sofa.  And no late fees when I forget to return them.*

Two books that I recently blindly grabbed and then really enjoyed reading are The Best American Travel Writing 2011 and Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (you probably know her from Eat, Pray, Love)

And now I've been inspired to write again.

NaNoWriMo is coming up in November so that's definitely on the To Do List now. Until then, I'm going to work on getting my ducks in a row (job, shoe string budget, life goals, you know the little stuff...) and start making time to write again.

Although honest to God, even after all the tears and frustrating lonely nights, I'd still rather have a certain sexy older man with a Boston accent distracting me from writing.

Quote of the Day: "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." ~Thomas à Kempis

* I lovingly blame my mom for this.  She always returned my library books for me since she was the town librarian.  'Returning library books' has therefore never been part of my 'borrowing library books' experience.  I currently owe my local library $8.41

5 years

It's been a rough week.

Hell, it's been a rough few months.

My birthday is coming up at the end of this month and while I'm not turning a fantastic milestone age like 40 or 50 (I'll be 36), I realized I had hit another milestone a couple of months ago. I didn't have much time to think about it then because I was in the middle of prepping for the NCLEX and trying to find a job (and paying bills and dealing with kids on summer vacation and writing run-on sentences...)

I've lived here in Indiana again for 5 years.

Granted I've moved twice since the original move to this city but 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years (in no particular order):

• Got divorced
  
• Applied, was accepted, and went to 4 years of nursing school
  
• Passed the NCLEX and became a registered nurse
  
• Learned to tango
  
• Shot a handgun (at a target, not a person. Although I've been tempted)
  
• Learned to ride a motorcycle and earned the motorcycle endorsement on my license
  
• Ran a 5K
  
• Painted 2 paintings
  
• Took a hot air balloon ride
  
• Worked 6 different jobs (Katie Fleck Designs, Flower Shop #2, Student Nurse, Nanny Gig, Sewing Gig, Substitute School Nurse)
  
• Traveled to Hong Kong and Beijing
  
• Went on a cruise to the Caribbean
  
• Learned to ice skate
  
• Had the gas and electric turned off (bills... I suck at paying them)
  
• Adopted my cat and readopted her when she ended up at the Humane Society
  
• Sewn curtains (inside joke, for years I've said I've sewn everything under the sun but 'never curtains')
  
• Had kidney stones
  
• Traveled inside the US to Chapel Hill NC, Outer Banks NC, Put-In-Bay OH, Chicago IL, Louisville KY, Colorado Springs CO, Savannah GA, Orlando FL (Disney World), Philadelphia PA, Cherry Hill NJ, Venice FL
  

As well as:

• knit a bunch of stuff
  
• sewn a bunch of stuff
  
• read a bunch of books
  
• been to several music concerts
  
• been camping a few times
  
• eaten a lot of yummy food
  
• and hung out with the very best people on the planet (my family and friends)

It may seem silly but writing out this list helps. I've been stuck in a "can't do anything" mood because of the lack of a RN job and the money that comes with that. And since the break-up with S, I've been very "and I'm not going to be doing that now" *sad face* too.

I've been a bucket of joy to be around honestly...

I'm going to try better to keep a positive attitude. The job will come. I'll likely fall in love again eventually. I won't be living on a shoe string budget forever. The gas won't be shut off because I don't even have gas at my current home. *shrugs* It's the little things sometimes.

The one big thing I'm looking forward to:

I'm going to be an aunt.

And that's more than enough to be super duper excited about right now. :)

Hello September!

I'm kinda tired of my life being mostly on hold still. I really thought 'graduate nursing school, get a full time job, yay my life is finally together!' And now almost 4 months later, I'm still not there. I truly apologize for being such a broken record. It's just I feel like most days I'm digging around for spare change to pay the bills while I'm applying to 5-10 RN jobs weekly and never hearing anything from anyone. It's super frustrating to say the least.

The 'on hold' part is probably mostly mental, sure I could possibly be making plans but in general everything I want to do costs money. Even the really little things. The kids' jean quilts, I need money for the flannel backs. Driving to see friends, I need gas money. The kids want fall clothes, I need new clothes and contact lenses, we need shampoo, laundry detergent, etc. I am so tired of waiting and there's nothing I can really do to make this better other than keep doing what I'm doing: applying for jobs, talking to my contacts (which are dwindling as people change jobs) and just racking up the days as a volunteer RN (my pseudo RN experience at the moment).

So far I've managed to keep myself out of depression but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep a Pollyanna attitude. The divorce was suppose to be the hardest part of my life. Nursing school was suppose to be the hardest part of my life. Now? Now, I'm suppose to be working and looking back and saying 'I've come so far!' Instead the hardest part of my life is still hanging on as I'm unemployed. This sucks. I'm so tired of it. I keep thinking, 'it could all change tomorrow!' and then several tomorrows come and go and I'm still unemployed.

It's a good thing I'm stubborn because if I wasn't, I think I would have given up a long long time ago.

Moving on

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Still no RN job.

Still sewing at the sewing gig.

Still mostly broke.

Hmm, nothing has really changed other than I recently got my heart broken.

Blah.

Where's the TV remote, I want to change the channel.

Some Quotes

Subtitled: I probably think too much

It amuses me that you can always find a quote that fits your current attitude. And then find one that means the complete opposite of it. Like ‘Love means never giving up’ and then there’s the opposite, something like ‘Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.’

Okay so I have to pick between love and being strong? I can’t do both?

Recently I’ve felt myself turned upside down and inside out and I don’t know which way I’m heading anymore. There are three things that I know for sure right now:

I love him. I’m hurt. I have no fucking idea where to go from here.

So being the literary nerd that I am, I went searching for some answers. These quotes speak to me. And aren’t too conflicting with each other.

• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Course no one ever said I was sane in the first place.)
  
  
• Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling into at night, I miss you like hell. –Edna St. Vincent Millary (I identify VERY strongly with this one right now. During the day, I’m mostly okay. But then I dream about him and us all night long. Thanks, stupid subconscious…)
  
  
• Every man needs a woman when his life is a mess. Because just like in a game of chess, the Queen protects the King.
  
  
• Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and you make bad decisions. (I know this is true about me occasionally. I’m working on it.)
  
  
• I swear to you, there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell. –Walt Whitman
  
  
• As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen. -Winnie the Pooh
  
  
• Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. –Bob Marley
  
  
• Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. –Paulo Coelho
  
  
• Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it. –Swedish Proverb
  
  
• Everyone says that love hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, LOVE is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.
  

I want to feel wonderful again.

While the kids are away, the mom... cooks?

Occasionally I miss my 'stay at home mom' days. I didn't have work or the kids today and the cupboards (and fridge and freezer) have been kinda bare for awhile. My favorite grocery store was having a sale on a lot of basics so I figured, what the hell, I'll put together a big ass grocery list and do some freezer meal cooking. (I like this book as a good jumping off point for newbies: The Freezer Cooking Manual from 30 Day Gourmet, A Month of Meals Made Easy)

I made it through the 10lbs of ground beef: 4 individually cooked one pound portions for chili, tacos, baked ziti, and taco soup and 2 meals of sloppy joes and 2 meals of meatloaf.

I'm halfway done with the chicken. I trimmed up and froze half the package and then cooked the other half for making 2 chicken pot pies and 2 meals of chicken tetrazzini. I'll probably put those together on Sunday.

Tomorrow I plan to cut up the pork loins to make several pork chops to freeze for later and then put the rest in the crockpot for pulled pork.

The store had a bunch of frozen veggies 10 for $10 so we should be good on side items for awhile too.

Oh and I put together a pasta salad for a cook-out that I'm invited to tomorrow night.

So of course for dinner, I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies and called it good.