New Year

Subtitled: And a Snow Day

I might do a monthly wrap up of the past year later but at the moment, I don't want to.  2013 had some HUGE (like "OMG T-Rex GINORMOUS!") ups and downs and I'm finally finding my footing emotionally this last week and I don't necessarily want to revisit last year yet.  Denial, not just a river in Africa…  Also?  Run-on sentences, the way I live my life.

Anyway things are looking up.  Even with a foot of snow on the ground (because that would be looking down…), but more on that in a minute.  I'm loving my new job so much that I'm almost to the Irish "I'm related to the Murphy's,  what's going to go wrong now?" looking over my shoulder.  I have a savings account.  I have a retirement plan.  I have renters, health, and life insurance.  These all are a big weight off my shoulders.  I don't want to get all political (in social class sort of way) but now that I've tasted a bit of "being poor" for the last few years, I can see why moderately wealthy to rich people don't understand the stresses of the poor.  The stupid little shit that the rich don't even think about in their daily lives are gigantic problems for those without money.  And it's so insanely stressful, it's not funny.  I will never take any of this for granted ever again.

Back to the snow, the kids were already scheduled to be off school today so the fact that there are 12 inches of snow on the ground and a windchill of -30F doesn't really matter to them.  But all this craziness means that Homeland Security (not particularly a fan but whatever) has placed travel advisories on us and the state of Indiana is pretty much just closed.  At least central to northern Indiana is.  Which for me just means my "non essential" clinic is closed and I "have" to stay home.  Darn…  *shrugs*  Even though I love my job (see above), I don't really want to go out in this mess.

Happy New Year, Happy Snow Day, and keep warm.

Quote of the Day: "A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water." -Carl Reiner

Feeling Good Part #3

So considering all the craziness of the last few months, I find myself in pretty good spirits lately.  I've been taking some steps to fix the things I can and accept those I can't.  (Go Serenity Pray!  And Dr. Phil)

Fixing:

Full-Time Nursing Job: Applying, talking to my contacts, picking up as many hours as possible at both the volunteer clinic and as a school nurse substitute.  The sewing gig is enough (barely) but I still don't have benefits (health insurance, life insurance, 401K).  I might be able to get some minimal coverage elsewhere.  It's on the To Do List.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Not going to go into all the details but I've contacted people to work on my debt.  The relief from the strain of those monthly bills is amazing.

Accepting:

Teenagers: Currently have 3 and 2 pre-teens.  It's going to be a long and bumpy ride...  Just gotta buckle up, white knuckle it and get through to the other side.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Needs versus Wants.  I have a list.  And a plan.  And sticking to it.

Dating:  Not doing it right now.  I'm good with being single at the moment  (I reserve the right to change this mindset in the future)  It's taken some time but I'm finally cool with just being with me.  Plus I have so many amazing friends and family here that any time I really want to do something, I have a great bunch of people to contact.

Townhouse:  It's good enough, it's smart enough, and doggone it, we like it.  I do have to fight an internal feeling of "it's not a house, it's only 1450 square feet, it's not a house!"  It is a little cramped with 6 people sometimes but the other half of the month, when it's just me and the cat, it's perfect.  The location is amazing and I have a gym and a garden.  I love it until the kids want friends over or I have to find an alternative location for my Girl Scout Troop meetings.  I miss having a guest room and I miss entertaining.  The accepting is especially tricky when our current town is known for it's 4000+ square foot McMansions and we're living in 1450 square foot townhouse.  We're kinda the odd family out at the moment.  Like I said, I'm working on the acceptance part.

Quote of the Day:  "Don't look for your dreams to come true; look to become true to your dreams." -Michael Beckwith

"Do Nothing" Day

All I have scheduled today is a Girl Scout Leader meeting this evening.  No work, the house is pretty clean, I don't have any errands to run, kids are at G's...

I have a few writing ideas bouncing around in my head, something along the lines of 'things I've learned' or 'stuff I still need to work on' or 'where the hell do I go from here'.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who analyzes and over thinks life.  I see so many people just going about their day as if they don't have a constant inner monologue questioning and wondering and pondering everything. But on the flip side, I've made some spectacular life changing decisions without even really thinking about them at all. Then as I deal with the fall out from those 'no thought actions' (moments, months, years later), I look back and ask "what the fuck was I thinking?"  And the answer, I'm sad to say more often than not, is I wasn't thinking.  One of my biggest lessons I've learned over the years is 'not making decision is still making a decision.'  I try to avoid making that particular mistake nowadays.  But no worries, there are a lot more mistakes that I continue to make over and over again (see 'my shoe string budget').

So of all the ideas and possibilities bouncing around in my head (which I'm sure I'll share with you eventually), I want to start writing again.  I've been reading a lot of varied books lately, mostly because I'm broke and just borrow and download whatever is available from the local library onto my Kindle.  It's kinda like blindly grabbing a couple of books off the shelf except I can do it at 2am without leaving my sofa.  And no late fees when I forget to return them.*

Two books that I recently blindly grabbed and then really enjoyed reading are The Best American Travel Writing 2011 and Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (you probably know her from Eat, Pray, Love)

And now I've been inspired to write again.

NaNoWriMo is coming up in November so that's definitely on the To Do List now. Until then, I'm going to work on getting my ducks in a row (job, shoe string budget, life goals, you know the little stuff...) and start making time to write again.

Although honest to God, even after all the tears and frustrating lonely nights, I'd still rather have a certain sexy older man with a Boston accent distracting me from writing.

Quote of the Day: "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." ~Thomas à Kempis

* I lovingly blame my mom for this.  She always returned my library books for me since she was the town librarian.  'Returning library books' has therefore never been part of my 'borrowing library books' experience.  I currently owe my local library $8.41

Some Quotes

Subtitled: I probably think too much

It amuses me that you can always find a quote that fits your current attitude. And then find one that means the complete opposite of it. Like ‘Love means never giving up’ and then there’s the opposite, something like ‘Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.’

Okay so I have to pick between love and being strong? I can’t do both?

Recently I’ve felt myself turned upside down and inside out and I don’t know which way I’m heading anymore. There are three things that I know for sure right now:

I love him. I’m hurt. I have no fucking idea where to go from here.

So being the literary nerd that I am, I went searching for some answers. These quotes speak to me. And aren’t too conflicting with each other.

• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Course no one ever said I was sane in the first place.)
  
  
• Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling into at night, I miss you like hell. –Edna St. Vincent Millary (I identify VERY strongly with this one right now. During the day, I’m mostly okay. But then I dream about him and us all night long. Thanks, stupid subconscious…)
  
  
• Every man needs a woman when his life is a mess. Because just like in a game of chess, the Queen protects the King.
  
  
• Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and you make bad decisions. (I know this is true about me occasionally. I’m working on it.)
  
  
• I swear to you, there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell. –Walt Whitman
  
  
• As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen. -Winnie the Pooh
  
  
• Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. –Bob Marley
  
  
• Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. –Paulo Coelho
  
  
• Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it. –Swedish Proverb
  
  
• Everyone says that love hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, LOVE is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.
  

I want to feel wonderful again.

Employed, sort of

On Monday, I hadn't heard from any nursing jobs so I started sewing at 9am. It's going really well, I also worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and a few hours yesterday. I've learned a few tricks the hard way (Hobbled Roman Shades, oh boy) but overall, I like it. Course I actually have no idea how much I'm getting paid yet because they didn't mention it and I never bothered to ask. I figure it's a bit more than minimum wage and I know it's less than RN pay so does it really matter the exact hourly number right now? Money is money at this point. I'll find out next Friday when I pick up my first paycheck.

Quote of the Day: "The number one sign you have nothing to do at work: The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish." ~Fred Barling