Sunday, November 24, 2013

Reasons to not be dating right now

1. Lack of trust.  I don't trust anybody new right now.  I used to operate under a pretty broad level 1 clearance with new people.  I've always said I'm generally an open book.  I'd talk frankly about my divorce, my sex life, my wacky stories about camping in flooded creek beds & being pulled over by the Secret Service, my opinions on health care, politicians, organized religion, etc.  Right now?  I doubt I'd even tell a new person my cat's name.

2. Safety.  I think this is subtitled to 'Lack of trust.'  I just don't feel as safe as I used to around new people.  It's one of those "I've been burned horribly, I'm not going near anything that seems warm" type things.  I feel like I'm going to get hurt by anyone I don't already know and trust.

3. Still on the emotional roller coaster from break-up with S.  I think I thought I was close to getting off a month ago but when my dad died, I really realized I'm not even half way back to the exit.  Like I mentioned before, I know I have issues with "just fun, don't love me and I won't love you" (aka commitment-phobia).  I need to work on that.  Cause it's not really fair to another person for me to go out with them and then immediately put the brakes on if anything seems like it could turn into *gasp, the horrors!* a relationship.

These are all completely different issues from those I dealt with after the divorce.  The divorce involved more "stuff" (money, child custody, etc) plus some emotional turmoil.  Most of that came from my identity at the time being a married stay at home mom and now what?  I did feel betrayed, I gave up this for the promise of that and now I'm down two strikes.  It was a lot to work through but  I did.  After the divorce, I felt whole enough to be open to dating and possibly relationships.

Right now?  I feel very very broken.  S had all the security level clearances in my life, past what my ex-husband ever had.  And now I don't feel safe, I don't trust anyone, and I hate dealing with the emotional quagmire I'm in.

I miss a lot of the good stuff that goes into being in a relationship.  The 'good morning, my love' texts.  Hugs.  A shoulder rub after a long day.  Being in the presence of someone I love and who accepts me for me.  Looking someone in the eye and trusting that they have my back through thick and thin and them knowing that I'd do move the earth, moon, and stars if it would make them happy.

I want to get back to being mostly whole so that I could possibly go out and look for that again.  I've always been an impatient person and so the fact that this type of healing takes time adds to the "crap, I need to deal with emotions, ugh!" issue.  I just feel so very fundamentally broken, since trust and safety are the most basic human needs, that sometimes I worry it's not even possible.

I don't know.  I'm working on it.

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