Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful to be alive and loved.  And for my fluffy cat.  :)

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Reasons to not be dating right now

1. Lack of trust.  I don't trust anybody new right now.  I used to operate under a pretty broad level 1 clearance with new people.  I've always said I'm generally an open book.  I'd talk frankly about my divorce, my sex life, my wacky stories about camping in flooded creek beds & being pulled over by the Secret Service, my opinions on health care, politicians, organized religion, etc.  Right now?  I doubt I'd even tell a new person my cat's name.

2. Safety.  I think this is subtitled to 'Lack of trust.'  I just don't feel as safe as I used to around new people.  It's one of those "I've been burned horribly, I'm not going near anything that seems warm" type things.  I feel like I'm going to get hurt by anyone I don't already know and trust.

3. Still on the emotional roller coaster from break-up with S.  I think I thought I was close to getting off a month ago but when my dad died, I really realized I'm not even half way back to the exit.  Like I mentioned before, I know I have issues with "just fun, don't love me and I won't love you" (aka commitment-phobia).  I need to work on that.  Cause it's not really fair to another person for me to go out with them and then immediately put the brakes on if anything seems like it could turn into *gasp, the horrors!* a relationship.

These are all completely different issues from those I dealt with after the divorce.  The divorce involved more "stuff" (money, child custody, etc) plus some emotional turmoil.  Most of that came from my identity at the time being a married stay at home mom and now what?  I did feel betrayed, I gave up this for the promise of that and now I'm down two strikes.  It was a lot to work through but  I did.  After the divorce, I felt whole enough to be open to dating and possibly relationships.

Right now?  I feel very very broken.  S had all the security level clearances in my life, past what my ex-husband ever had.  And now I don't feel safe, I don't trust anyone, and I hate dealing with the emotional quagmire I'm in.

I miss a lot of the good stuff that goes into being in a relationship.  The 'good morning, my love' texts.  Hugs.  A shoulder rub after a long day.  Being in the presence of someone I love and who accepts me for me.  Looking someone in the eye and trusting that they have my back through thick and thin and them knowing that I'd do move the earth, moon, and stars if it would make them happy.

I want to get back to being mostly whole so that I could possibly go out and look for that again.  I've always been an impatient person and so the fact that this type of healing takes time adds to the "crap, I need to deal with emotions, ugh!" issue.  I just feel so very fundamentally broken, since trust and safety are the most basic human needs, that sometimes I worry it's not even possible.

I don't know.  I'm working on it.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Rough Week

I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was a rough week here.

We're all adjusting to me being out of the house for over 50 hours a week (including commute time).  I think I've been doing a pretty damn good job of making sure there's food for snack and dinner and making sure everyone gets rides to and from activities and we've been relatively successful.  We did momentarily misplace the littlest one when she was suppose to be at the dentist on Tuesday (she went to her after school music program, G and I both forgot about that.)

I've been aware of time constraints before but this week, they just sucked.  For example, the boys both need new shoes.  Monday they had scouts, Tuesday I don't even remember what happened but shoe shopping didn't, Wednesday I work late (shops closed), Thursday I was off work in time to pick up the littlest one from school, eat dinner, go to her scout meeting, and then again shops closed, and Friday the boys were off to scout camp before I was home from work.  It's like, fuck how does anything get done?  I suppose I probably had 9pm to 10pm to take them to Target or something but sheesh, at that point of the night I'm honestly in bed.  Oh I remember why I didn't take them shoe shopping on Monday or Tuesday, I had $4.75 in my bank account.  Payday was Friday.  So maybe the shoe shopping was delayed due to money constraints more than anything.

I slept 13 hours Friday night into Saturday morning.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to make time to see a therapist after my new health insurance kicks in.  My most lovely friends have pointed out that I really have not dealt with my break-up with S (there was an incident earlier this week, I had a mini panic attack when one of our mutual friends mentioned seeing him in person)  and I'm probably in the denial stage about my dad's death too.  Sounds about right for me.  Another friend pointed out that I've dealt with a lot more emotionally stressful stuff in the last year than most people deal with in a lifetime.  Huh.  Yeah maybe.  I don't really think about it like that, I just write a To Do List and get back to checking things off.  Since there isn't an easy To List for dealing with emotions, I just ignore them and concentrate on other stuff.  Damnit, To Do Lists, don't fail me now!

Anyway, it's been a rough week.

I took yesterday "off" from doing anything other than talking to friends, eating, watching TV, and goofing around on the internet.  Today I have a To Do List but I'm going to take it slow and not try to attempt to knock 10 things off it before lunch.  The kids don't go back to G's until tomorrow evening (November schedule is a bit goofy) and now that I've realized I'm not 100% emotionally healthy right at the moment, I'm going to take it easy on myself.  No one needs me ending up in a padded room.

I love my kids, I love my family, I love my cat, I love my friends, I love my new job, I love my cute little townhouse in a fun area of town.  Overall life is good, I just need to fine tune a few (major? minor?) emotional things.  I can do this.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Spin cycle

I'm trying to find my center again.  This last week has been...  I don't even have the words for it.

The viewing and the funeral were tough.  I did a lot of crying.  I gave the eulogy at Mass because it felt like something I needed to do.  I miss my dad.

I'm very thankful I have my new job.  I worked Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and it felt good to be finally doing what I've spent the last 4 years working towards.

I drove down to my hometown Friday after work and spent the night with my mom.  She's doing amazing.  It'll be a process for her but seeing her in person doing pretty well with everything helped me feel that she can do it.  I'm not a worrier but I was worried A LOT about her this last week.

Yesterday was a bit of an anomaly as I went to Churchill Downs with some of my extended family and ate lunch in Millionaire's Row and bet on some horses.  My aunt buys tickets to this event every year and she asked me many months ago if I could attend.  (KY Colonels)  It was fun and amazing and a nice break away from everything.  I even won $3.50 on my first horse race bet ever.

Today...  Today I feel like I just got spit out of the spin cycle.  I've been up since 7am and kinda overwhelmed by getting everything back in order again.  The plants need watering, the half & half for my coffee went bad, the laundry has piled up, I have a stack of new job paperwork that needs sorted, and I've gained like 4lbs since I last stepped on the scale (and since I was already 5lbs heavier the last time I checked, I'm so not happy about this, my clothes are starting not to fit at all).  Oh and I think that NaNoWriMo is a bust again this year.  I'm trying to take everything slow and easy to not overwhelm myself but I also know I need to get my butt in gear and tackle everything sooner than later as I have a full week of work ahead of me and the kids are back at my house tomorrow night.

Deep breaths.  Take it slow.  It took time to get to this place, it'll take time to get back to my normal.  I can do this.

Monday, November 04, 2013

My Dad died Friday

I wish I had never had to type those words.  I doubt I would have ever been 'ready'  to let him go.  He was only 59 years old, it was way too soon.  Coroner's report (I took the phone call so my mom wouldn't have to) was enlarged heart (undiagnosed), it just stopped.  No signs of heart disease or a heart attack. I guess they are right when they say our hearts only have so many beats in them.  He had reached the end of his.

The viewing is tonight, the funeral tomorrow.  I have clothes for the kids and me, hotel reserved, food for the family to eat at the viewing, HR & manager at new job informed, all those other random loose ends tied up that mean I can ignore my normal world for 2 days.

(In case you didn't know, I get very tasky 'must check off To Do list' when I'm stressed.)

I hate crying, I hate missing him, I hate thinking about all the stuff we were going to do together and can't now.

Most of all I don't like knowing that I'll never get another blog comment that ends with "Love, Dad".