So I'm really trying to avoid being a Special Snowflake with my self contemplation on the blog because those type of people are extremely annoying. I'd like to think I can find the balance between "I'm so awesome, look what I did, let's talk about me, me, me!" and the other cynical side of "life is meaningless, who gives a f*ck about anything ever, the world sucks." I know my small insignificant problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world but there's probably a little room for me to do some belly button gazing occasionally.
I remember years ago some random troll posted a comment on my Ramblings of a SAHM mom site about something kinda special snowflake I had written. Honestly it didn't bother me, obviously because I don't even remember what the comment was now. The troll was just being a troll and trying to stir up controversy. That's what they do. But my best friend got all up in arms on my behalf and it was kind of amusing to watch them duke it out in the comments. And then I went back to playing Mom Taxi or scrapbooking or something and forgot all about it.
The reason the troll's comment didn't bother me because it wasn't something that was even remotely true about me in my opinion. Like you could call me a 'slug licking scrawny green mermaid' and I'd be like "uh, okay" and easily move on. Because I'm not any of those things so the whole thing is silly and I could care less.
On the flip side, I've learned that if someone says something about me that I immediately strongly disagree with, I need to examine this a bit more closely. Cause there's usually a glimmer of truth in it and it's probably something I don't like about myself.
During the last few months, I was forced to take a hard look at myself and how I approach relationships. A lot of stuff was said and while some ideas I threw out pretty quick because it was blatantly obvious projection (after 4 years of psych classes, you aren't going to pull any Freudian moves over on me), a few items have stuck with me.
One of the things that has been the hardest to comes to terms with about myself is that I'm really scared of romantic love and commitment. But you were with S for 2.5 years, you say! Yeah but he's just as scared of romantic love and commitment as I am. If you put two of those type of people together, it kinda sorta works for awhile. If I'm avoiding falling in love and also avoiding someone else falling in love with me and he's doing the same, we have an unconscious 'not falling in love and avoid being loved by others' requirement in common. And that's a pretty strong trait that can bring two people together as oxymoron-ish as that sounds.
Of course we did fall in love anyways and into some sort of commitment that mostly worked for us most of the time. It was like that poem about the little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead: When she was good, she was very very good. When she was bad, she was horrid. When we were good, it was the most amazing time I've ever had in my life. When we were bad, it was horrid. And then some.
I'm not going to go into our fights here but on my end going forward, I'm going to try to learn some better "this isn't going well, let's figure this out" skills. My usual MO is either ignore the problem (I do kinda like denial, it's one of my bigger character flaws) or attempt to hit a 'relationship reset button' (which also has an element of 'ignore' built in). Secondly I'm going to try to not be so extreme with "okay don't love me and I won't love you and let's just have fun!" in new relationships. But I'd like to delve into the second point deeper in another blog post mostly because today's dating world is so full of amusing advice to discuss and dissect.
Naval gazing done for another day. :)