Sunday, September 29, 2013

Feeling Good Part #3

So considering all the craziness of the last few months, I find myself in pretty good spirits lately.  I've been taking some steps to fix the things I can and accept those I can't.  (Go Serenity Pray!  And Dr. Phil)


Full-Time Nursing Job: Applying, talking to my contacts, picking up as many hours as possible at both the volunteer clinic and as a school nurse substitute.  The sewing gig is enough (barely) but I still don't have benefits (health insurance, life insurance, 401K).  I might be able to get some minimal coverage elsewhere.  It's on the To Do List.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Not going to go into all the details but I've contacted people to work on my debt.  The relief from the strain of those monthly bills is amazing.


Teenagers: Currently have 3 and 2 pre-teens.  It's going to be a long and bumpy ride...  Just gotta buckle up, white knuckle it and get through to the other side.

Crappy Shoe-String Budget: Needs versus Wants.  I have a list.  And a plan.  And sticking to it.

Dating:  Not doing it right now.  I'm good with being single at the moment  (I reserve the right to change this mindset in the future)  It's taken some time but I'm finally cool with just being with me.  Plus I have so many amazing friends and family here that any time I really want to do something, I have a great bunch of people to contact.

Townhouse:  It's good enough, it's smart enough, and doggone it, we like it.  I do have to fight an internal feeling of "it's not a house, it's only 1450 square feet, it's not a house!"  It is a little cramped with 6 people sometimes but the other half of the month, when it's just me and the cat, it's perfect.  The location is amazing and I have a gym and a garden.  I love it until the kids want friends over or I have to find an alternative location for my Girl Scout Troop meetings.  I miss having a guest room and I miss entertaining.  The accepting is especially tricky when our current town is known for it's 4000+ square foot McMansions and we're living in 1450 square foot townhouse.  We're kinda the odd family out at the moment.  Like I said, I'm working on the acceptance part.

Quote of the Day:  "Don't look for your dreams to come true; look to become true to your dreams." -Michael Beckwith

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Interview #6 (and counting)

Alternate title: "Argh, give me a full time job with benefits please!"

(Follow-up from June's Nursing update)

Interview #1: Patient Care Coordinator (May) "filled position already, check back in 6 months"

Interview #2: 'Peace, Love, and Medicine' office RN (July) heard nothing, I think they went with somebody with experience

Interview #3: Long Term Care RN  (July) heard nothing, but I don't think I sucked up enough during the 2 hour job shadow because I was kinda counting the minutes until I could escape

Interview #4: Substitute School Nurse, my kids' school system (August)  GOT IT.  Except I've only worked 1 day...

Interview #5: Full Time School Nurse, different school system (September) heard nothing (it's been 10 days now so it's probably a 'no')

Interview #6: Nights, Full Time, Med/Surg RN at hospital 40 miles away with mandatory overtime (means 4 twelves one week, 3 twelves the next week), weekends & holidays (Yesterday)  at the end of the interview "filled position already, check back in a month"

And counting...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

On being a Special Snowflake and relationships

So I'm really trying to avoid being a Special Snowflake with my self contemplation on the blog because those type of people are extremely annoying.  I'd like to think I can find the balance between "I'm so awesome, look what I did, let's talk about me, me, me!" and the other cynical side of "life is meaningless, who gives a f*ck about anything ever, the world sucks."  I know my small insignificant problems don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world but there's probably a little room for me to do some belly button gazing occasionally.

I remember years ago some random troll posted a comment on my Ramblings of a SAHM mom site about something kinda special snowflake I had written.  Honestly it didn't bother me, obviously because I don't even remember what the comment was now.  The troll was just being a troll and trying to stir up controversy.  That's what they do.  But my best friend got all up in arms on my behalf and it was kind of amusing to watch them duke it out in the comments.  And then I went back to playing Mom Taxi or scrapbooking or something and forgot all about it.

The reason the troll's comment didn't bother me because it wasn't something that was even remotely true about me in my opinion.  Like you could call me a 'slug licking scrawny green mermaid' and I'd be like "uh, okay" and easily move on.  Because I'm not any of those things so the whole thing is silly and I could care less.

On the flip side, I've learned that if someone says something about me that I immediately strongly disagree with, I need to examine this a bit more closely.  Cause there's usually a glimmer of truth in it and it's probably something I don't like about myself.

During the last few months, I was forced to take a hard look at myself and how I approach relationships.  A lot of stuff was said and while some ideas I threw out pretty quick because it was blatantly obvious projection  (after 4 years of psych classes, you aren't going to pull any Freudian moves over on me), a few items have stuck with me.

One of the things that has been the hardest to comes to terms with about myself is that I'm really scared of romantic love and commitment.  But you were with S for 2.5 years, you say!  Yeah but he's just as scared of romantic love and commitment as I am.  If you put two of those type of people together, it kinda sorta works for awhile.  If I'm avoiding falling in love and also avoiding someone else falling in love with me and he's doing the same, we have an unconscious 'not falling in love and avoid being loved by others' requirement in common.   And that's a pretty strong trait that can bring two people together as oxymoron-ish as that sounds.

Of course we did fall in love anyways and into some sort of commitment that mostly worked for us most of the time.  It was like that poem about the little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead:  When she was good, she was very very good.  When she was bad, she was horrid. When we were good, it was the most amazing time I've ever had in my life.  When we were bad, it was horrid.  And then some.

I'm not going to go into our fights here but on my end going forward, I'm going to try to learn some better "this isn't going well, let's figure this out" skills.  My usual MO is either ignore the problem (I do kinda like denial, it's one of my bigger character flaws) or attempt to hit a 'relationship reset button'  (which also has an element of 'ignore' built in).  Secondly I'm going to try to not be so extreme with "okay don't love me and I won't love you and let's just have fun!" in new relationships.  But I'd like to delve into the second point deeper in another blog post mostly because today's dating world is so full of amusing advice to discuss and dissect.

Naval gazing done for another day.  :)

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"Do Nothing" Day

All I have scheduled today is a Girl Scout Leader meeting this evening.  No work, the house is pretty clean, I don't have any errands to run, kids are at G's...

I have a few writing ideas bouncing around in my head, something along the lines of 'things I've learned' or 'stuff I still need to work on' or 'where the hell do I go from here'.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who analyzes and over thinks life.  I see so many people just going about their day as if they don't have a constant inner monologue questioning and wondering and pondering everything. But on the flip side, I've made some spectacular life changing decisions without even really thinking about them at all. Then as I deal with the fall out from those 'no thought actions' (moments, months, years later), I look back and ask "what the fuck was I thinking?"  And the answer, I'm sad to say more often than not, is I wasn't thinking.  One of my biggest lessons I've learned over the years is 'not making decision is still making a decision.'  I try to avoid making that particular mistake nowadays.  But no worries, there are a lot more mistakes that I continue to make over and over again (see 'my shoe string budget').

So of all the ideas and possibilities bouncing around in my head (which I'm sure I'll share with you eventually), I want to start writing again.  I've been reading a lot of varied books lately, mostly because I'm broke and just borrow and download whatever is available from the local library onto my Kindle.  It's kinda like blindly grabbing a couple of books off the shelf except I can do it at 2am without leaving my sofa.  And no late fees when I forget to return them.*

Two books that I recently blindly grabbed and then really enjoyed reading are The Best American Travel Writing 2011 and Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (you probably know her from Eat, Pray, Love)

And now I've been inspired to write again.

NaNoWriMo is coming up in November so that's definitely on the To Do List now. Until then, I'm going to work on getting my ducks in a row (job, shoe string budget, life goals, you know the little stuff...) and start making time to write again.

Although honest to God, even after all the tears and frustrating lonely nights, I'd still rather have a certain sexy older man with a Boston accent distracting me from writing.

Quote of the Day: "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." ~Thomas à Kempis

* I lovingly blame my mom for this.  She always returned my library books for me since she was the town librarian.  'Returning library books' has therefore never been part of my 'borrowing library books' experience.  I currently owe my local library $8.41

Friday, September 06, 2013

5 years

It's been a rough week.

Hell, it's been a rough few months.

My birthday is coming up at the end of this month and while I'm not turning a fantastic milestone age like 40 or 50 (I'll be 36), I realized I had hit another milestone a couple of months ago. I didn't have much time to think about it then because I was in the middle of prepping for the NCLEX and trying to find a job (and paying bills and dealing with kids on summer vacation and writing run-on sentences...)

I've lived here in Indiana again for 5 years.

Granted I've moved twice since the original move to this city but 5 years. A lot has happened in 5 years (in no particular order):
  • Got divorced
  • Applied, was accepted, and went to 4 years of nursing school
  • Passed the NCLEX and became a registered nurse
  • Learned to tango
  • Shot a handgun (at a target, not a person. Although I've been tempted)
  • Learned to ride a motorcycle and earned the motorcycle endorsement on my license
  • Ran a 5K
  • Painted 2 paintings
  • Took a hot air balloon ride
  • Worked 6 different jobs (Katie Fleck Designs, Flower Shop #2, Student Nurse, Nanny Gig, Sewing Gig, Substitute School Nurse)
  • Traveled to Hong Kong and Beijing
  • Went on a cruise to the Caribbean
  • Learned to ice skate
  • Had the gas and electric turned off (bills... I suck at paying them)
  • Adopted my cat and readopted her when she ended up at the Humane Society
  • Sewn curtains (inside joke, for years I've said I've sewn everything under the sun but 'never curtains')
  • Had kidney stones
  • Traveled inside the US to Chapel Hill NC, Outer Banks NC, Put-In-Bay OH, Chicago IL, Louisville KY, Colorado Springs CO, Savannah GA, Orlando FL (Disney World), Philadelphia PA, Cherry Hill NJ, Venice FL
As well as:
  • knit a bunch of stuff
  • sewn a bunch of stuff
  • read a bunch of books
  • been to several music concerts
  • been camping a few times
  • eaten a lot of yummy food
  • and hung out with the very best people on the planet (my family and friends)
It may seem silly but writing out this list helps. I've been stuck in a "can't do anything" mood because of the lack of a RN job and the money that comes with that. And since the break-up with S, I've been very "and I'm not going to be doing that now" *sad face* too.

I've been a bucket of joy to be around honestly...

I'm going to try better to keep a positive attitude. The job will come. I'll likely fall in love again eventually. I won't be living on a shoe string budget forever. The gas won't be shut off because I don't even have gas at my current home. *shrugs* It's the little things sometimes.

The one big thing I'm looking forward to:

I'm going to be an aunt.

And that's more than enough to be super duper excited about right now. :)

Sunday, September 01, 2013

Hello September!

I'm kinda tired of my life being mostly on hold still. I really thought 'graduate nursing school, get a full time job, yay my life is finally together!' And now almost 4 months later, I'm still not there. I truly apologize for being such a broken record. It's just I feel like most days I'm digging around for spare change to pay the bills while I'm applying to 5-10 RN jobs weekly and never hearing anything from anyone. It's super frustrating to say the least.

The 'on hold' part is probably mostly mental, sure I could possibly be making plans but in general everything I want to do costs money. Even the really little things. The kids' jean quilts, I need money for the flannel backs. Driving to see friends, I need gas money. The kids want fall clothes, I need new clothes and contact lenses, we need shampoo, laundry detergent, etc. I am so tired of waiting and there's nothing I can really do to make this better other than keep doing what I'm doing: applying for jobs, talking to my contacts (which are dwindling as people change jobs) and just racking up the days as a volunteer RN (my pseudo RN experience at the moment).

So far I've managed to keep myself out of depression but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep a Pollyanna attitude. The divorce was suppose to be the hardest part of my life. Nursing school was suppose to be the hardest part of my life. Now? Now, I'm suppose to be working and looking back and saying 'I've come so far!' Instead the hardest part of my life is still hanging on as I'm unemployed. This sucks. I'm so tired of it. I keep thinking, 'it could all change tomorrow!' and then several tomorrows come and go and I'm still unemployed.

It's a good thing I'm stubborn because if I wasn't, I think I would have given up a long long time ago.